Looking At Edinburgh

2 June 2008

Shadow Houses, Morningside

It’s always “Morningside matrons” when people tell Morningside jokes, have you noticed? I grew up in a Bruntsfield Place stair, so in origins I’m almost Morningside myself: but why is it always the matrons who get dissed? What’s the male equivalent of matrons?

The houses in Morningside are great.

1.“My dear,” said the Morningside matron snobbishly, “here in the Capital we think breeding is everything.” “Oh, really,” the lady from Glasgow replied. “In Glasgow we think it’s fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well.”

2. The matrons of Morningside must have choked on their Earl Grey when they picked up their copy of The Scotsman to see editor Mike ‘Saviour of the Planet’ Gilson’s latest attempt to plug the circulation drain. A spread on the finer points of nude photography is accompanied by a readers’ competition, first prize for which is a personal and ‘confidential’ sitting with the celebrated erotic snapper Trevor Yerbury. The winner can even select 12 shots of themselves in the altogether which will be tastefully mounted in a leather-bound album worth £750. While this might be slightly more attractive than a year’s supply of compost in which to grow your own organic broccoli, we cannot be sure whether Mr Gilson is a] brave, b] desperate or c] hoping for a move to The Sun.Scottish Democrats January newsletter – not a party political endorsement…

3. According to my friend “a Weegie would just be upfront about it and say ‘give me your money'”! I disagreed because there are many shades within one city but decided maybe she was right when she told me what she did the next morning. She knew the same group of people would be at the bus stop so, as if to prove her point about Glaswegians being upfront, she decided to pay them a visit. Remember, she’s teeny but she marched up to them absolutely furious and yelled “which one of you bastards took my bank card?”!! Bet they got a shock. She’s not the kind of person you’d expect to do that especially when it’s 4 against 1. Anne McLaughlin, SNP MSP candidate – also not a party political endorsement!

4. America: Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about; I just ran for my life. I thought I was gonna die, he got so close to me.”
Weegie: “Bawbag wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him.”
Morningside Matron: “Don’t look, dear, there’s a man burning rather unpleasantly. It’s not nice.”

America: “I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home; I thought I was gonna die.”
Weegie: “Here, shug, am no leaving here till am oan a *****in’ plane!”
Morningside matron: “Excuse me, now those unpleasant young men have been subdued, I have a plane to catch.”

Anyway, I took this photo here. It’s available on Redbubble: Shadow on the wall.

PS: I like what John Smeaton actually said much better than all the jokes.

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